How Real Is Your Instagram?

Ever since EssenaGate, a veritable deluge of articles analysing the 'faux reality' of Instagram have sprung up- not only in the big ole' blogosphere- but in 'trad' media too. As ever, I'm late to the party. But I wanted to weigh in with a few thoughts, nonetheless. So here goes
What You See Isn't What You Get
The pictures you see here are ones I took myself. I haven't posted them on IG yet, but I might do. (I try not to 'double-up' too much on images as it can get a bit Boris Boreoff). You're probably thinking- 'Hang on, has she gone and got an Acne Raya now? Lucky bitch. She probably bought it with that PPI money she doesn't stop banging on about'. But wait. Oh no, she hasn't bought a Raya. She actually just flatlayed her year old H&M cardi and artfully arranged the Acne label off her Skin 5s on top of it. Sound that faux klaxon. Loud. Your brain and the image were telling you one thing, but the 'reality' wasn't real. (Unless you're massively adept at spotting a Raya at fifty paces, in which case, props to you). Is it morally dubious to try and suggest that something from H&M has all the caché and luxeyness of something way more expensive from Acne? Probably. But it sure as hell makes the image more......lookable. And it certainly gives it- shall we say- a lot more Instagram leverage. *NB I did actually post a version of this pic on IG yesterday- and guess what?- it smashed it out the park. Which goes to prove.....summat or other).
I Grammed It My Way
So, how real is my Insta? Well, on the Essena Faux Scale, I'd say it's about a 9. (10 being as faux as you can go). Do I sit around cross-legged all day on a piece of white card wearing trainers? Nope. Do I artfully grab at black coffee placed at the perfect angle on a marble table-top? Nope. Do I stand in the street, pidgeon-toed, staring endlessly at the watch on my overly-tanned wrist? No, I do not. So, why why why am I actually doing this shit? Am I trying to make priddy pictures? I sure am. But to what end? Essena earned hundreds of dollars off each of her grams. Do I earn a single penny? No, sadly I don't. Do I ever even get sent anything to promo? Nope, not that either. Every day I hope beyond hope that a nice brand- you know- the ones that everyone else get sent stuff from- will hit me up. But they never do. I've kind of accepted it now. (She said). Some girls are like the Pied Piperesses of IG. I'm deffo not one of them. Keep working, keep hacking away, and maybe something 'good' will happen, I tell myself. And if this is all getting a bit woe is me- apologies. I can only really admire Essena all the more for walking away from the money-making machine she had going on.
Rinstragram v Finstagram
So, if it sounds like I'm about to 'do' an Essena and flounce off- you're spot on. I cannot tell you how sick I am of the backaches, the fake-tanning, the desperate scrabble to create more storage on my phone, the stress of hitting my target to gram twice a day, every day. The hope as I tag that maybe, just maybe, this time I'll get an RG. The pathetic game I play to try and hit 100 likes in twenty minutes. (Still my aim, still haven't reached it). The bitterness and jealously that eats me up everytime I see another rival peer getting a lovely gift from a lovely brand, or thousands of likes for another tagless pic. I never even used to think I was that ugly until I got on IG- but I now I know my face repulses people- and makes them unfollow- I'm assured of that fact. Quite frankly, I don't like what I've become. I'm not naturally someone who has a chip on their shoulder, or is jell of all and sundry, but I'm fast going down that road. To that end- yes I wanna quit. But I also know that the one day off I've taken in a whole year of gramming (after the Paris attacks, coz to me it didn't feel right to post) made me miss IG terribly. Even.After.One.Fucking.Day. (#theaddictionisreal) Perversely, I also wanna start another account- a 'rinstagram'- to post the reality of my life. The mundanity of it in all its glory. (For me- 'Fakestagram' sums up my current gram, and 'Realstagram' would be my new reality- although I appreciate I may have that arse about face). Not an original idea obvs, but it might be a way to help me reset and stop chasing my tail and hating on everything. We'll see.
How's IG treating you lately? Lemmie know xx PS Soz if this a downer
Cardigan- H&M//Watch- ASOS



Acne Canada

Another post, another PPI purchase. This time I've been splashing my (not very hard earned) cash on something I've been lusting after forevveerrrrrr. Last year I bought three scarves from Topshop and one from Zara, all at about twenty quid each. Then I sat myself down and said (in my best Danny Dyer voice) 'You fuckkkkkin' mug'. I could've easily forfeited the high street- just for once- and gone and got myself a ridiculously lustworthy Acne Canada instead. So this year- with my PPI firmly ensconced in my account- I hotfooted it down to Dover Street to finally treat maself. I actually expected my shopping experience in there to be a little bit unenjoyable and frosty. But no. Everyone there is lovely and normal (WTF) and whilst clearly unused to divs like me crossing their threshold (all my fellow shoppers were clearly loaded); the whole purchasing process was very pleasant. (Admittedly, this was in no small part due to the hot Aussie guy who served me. He was fair dinkum and no mistake). God, I'm gonna be so devz when this cash-monay of mine finally runs out. Catch you soon x
Scarf- Acne Studios



My Top Five Nude Lipsticks

Nine times out of ten I go for a neutral lip. I actually love wearing red lipstick, but I'm nothing if not lazy and wearing a strong colour is such hard work, innit? My picks here are my absolute current faves, and they work just as well with lipliner, or without. So let's get into it.
NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream in 'Cairo'
I recently did my first ever NYX haul and I have to say I'm seriously impressed. This product is basically a matte lip gloss. Which makes no sense at all. But you just swipe and go, for a 'your lips but better' look.
Soap & Glory Sexy Mother Pucker Gloss Stick in 'Nudist'
I picked this up in Boots when it was on special offer, and it's seriously the best two quid I've spent in ages. It looks like a pencil but it winds-up like a regular lipstick (which is perf for me as I can never be arsed to sharpen anything....told you I was lazy). There's also a good sheen in this product if you find matte lippies too drying.
Clinique Pop Lip Colour in 'Nude Pop'
You'll recognise this one straight away as the freebie from this month's Glamour. Everyone has been going cray for it, and rightly so. It's nice and pigmented, and it's also got a good moisturising element to it as well without being too glossy (#overthat).
NYX Butter Lipstick in 'Snow Cap'
This is more on the matte side of things but you absolutely cannot go wrong. Couple of dabs and it looks like you're wearing just a hint of sumptin' sumptin'.
Rimmel Lasting Finish Lipstick by Kate Moss in '42'
I've got a few of these Mossy nude shades and I like to use this one over a lipliner base. If you fill in your entire mouth your lipliner of choice then dab this on top you get a look with both depth and staying power. 
What are your fave nude lip products? Let me know as I wanna keep expanding my collection :)
All Products From Selfridges//Superdrug//Boots



Céline Baby Cabas

When I first got my PPI cheque I didn't even dare look at it. I just held it, took deep breaths and then crossed myself approximately seventeen times. Ain't gonna lie- it wasn't as much as I was hoping for. My battle to get any kind of payout at all has been ridiculously epic, with my bank at one point even denying I was a customer of theirs. (Serious case of WTF). But at the end of the day, I'm now a rich bitch. Ha! (Well, at least, it feels like it, if only for a hot minute). Naturally, once I'd got over the shock, excitement, and slight disappointment of receiving my cheque- my thoughts immediately turned to handbags. And the wish list compiling began in a flash.
My mum tells me one of the first words I ever learnt to say was 'baggie'. I even went round Disney World, aged seven, carrying a clutch bag and wearing large shades. (#yergetme) So, to say I'm an obsessed bag-laydee is something of an understatement. The bags I dream of owning are many and marginally varied, at any one time. Currently, it stands like this: Chloe Faye (large), Chloe Faye (small), Céline Trio, Céline Belt Bag, Céline Knot Bag, Céline Cabas Phantom, Céline Box Bag, YSL Sac Du Jour (small), YSL Universite, Balenciaga Mini Papier, Loewe Puzzle, Gucci Dionysus, APC Half Moon, Marni Trunk, Chanel Wallet On A Chain and every colour bucket bag that Mansur Gavriel make, (plus quite a few more). My sister's nickname for me is 'Greedy' and I can totally see where she's coming from with that one :) However, I didn't delay in getting my shop on and it's now not gonna be any great surprise to you- given the title of this post- that I went in- and I went Céline. I'd actually seen the Baby Cabas before and dismissed it (you know, coz I used to be poor); and I also had slight concerns about the proportions (it's on the small side for a tote). But I had a lovely time swanning round Céline like Lady Loadsamoney, and Melanie there is my new BFF. It was terrifying and exhilarating to just drop big cash bombs and not really have to stress about it. In fact, I got the wind in my sails verrrry quickly and started thinking about a knot bangle and a wallet and all sorts. But I want my fundage to stretch to some other stuff- like an Olympus Pen, and an Acne scarf, some Eames chairs, and maybe a few tinier treats too. So, thank you bank for ripping me off, then paying me back (eventually), thanks to my beaut sis for her perseverance in the whole matter (she's my rock) and thank you Phoebe P for being such a ledge. This bag lady is one happy obsessive.
Bag- Céline//Print- Sealoe



Skinny Rib Stripes

A couple of weekends back I went shopping with Mumsy. Sunday lunch out followed by some retail therapy has been a regular gig of ours for a long while. Until this year. (Tiny violin time). Both of us have been ill, and our outings have been on hiatus....until two weeks ago when we both decided we should 'try and be normal'. (Tall order for me in more ways than one. Insert yer own lol). One of our faves for a browse is Sandro. So in went, and cooed over errrything, but a navy pea coat combo-ed with a skinny rib stripey polo neck got us both silly excited. Mumsy said I should get both pieces (she hates that I wear cheap clothes); but even for a girl with a PPI cheque in her life, six hundred quid for the both seemed like a lotta cash to splash. A real case of 'look at this pea coat tell me she's broke', if ever there was one. Then I remembered that I'd seen a priddy good striped roll neck in Topshop. £28 is more my kinda thing (soz mum), and besides big money = handbags to me. *NB If you follow me on IG you'll already know I've bought one bag with my very-quickly-diminishing payout. And, well, Cos are normally ace on peacoats, aren't they? Catch you soon xx
PS Soz for the lack of thigh gap, lack of supportive nork harness and lack of in-focus pics
Striped Polo- Topshop//Cropped Flares- H&M//Bag- Mansur Gavriel

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